some mornings are hard. you’d think i’d have the pattern memorized by now. sudden cranky day, oh that was yesterday. almost always followed by sad day, that’s today. although, today’s sad day isn’t sad about jean-guy. it’s sad and wondering when i’ll get to make my own family. jean-guy wasn’t the right family. i know that down deep to my core, so today i’m not sad that i don’t have him. i also know that right now i don’t even really need or want a partner, let alone a child. but i know i do sometime in the future and some days the fear and the worry gets under your skin, even when i know it’s misplaced. i’ll find and have both when the time is right. when i’m ready.
some days, though, the uncertainty is a little bit harder to take in stride than others.
Driving to class I just had this thought: I don’t have a single clue where my life is going. I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing three months from now, let alone a year or five. AND: it’s thrilling and totally liberating. To have ever thought otherwise was only to delude myself into a false sense of control. Fuck control. I choose life. Inherent heartbreak, disappointments, risks and all.
“Choices aren’t things that happen to you, they happen when you happen on things and choose them,
So happen, so happen and happen and happen and happen,
Make habits of happening happen because happiness happens in habits of happening,
So inhabit a habit of happening,
Habadahabadababada happening ing,
If there’s sliders to play with then bump them,
If you don’t know where the rails are, how are you going to jump them?
Medium-ing is walking in the middle of a dark room and not knowing where the walls are,
So put ‘em out put ‘em out put ‘em out until you find an edge,
If you want to get loud then…,
Break it and break it and play with the breakage until all the pieces are back in a package,
And brackage and brackage until all the packages and pieces in play,
Grrr, no medium-ing, find the edges of things.” – Zefrank