Aside

some mornings are hard. you’d think i’d have the pattern memorized by now. sudden cranky day, oh that was yesterday. almost always followed by sad day, that’s today. although, today’s sad day isn’t sad about jean-guy. it’s sad and wondering when i’ll get to make my own family. jean-guy wasn’t the right family. i know that down deep to my core, so today i’m not sad that i don’t have him. i also know that right now i don’t even really need or want a partner, let alone a child. but i know i do sometime in the future and some days the fear and the worry gets under your skin, even when i know it’s misplaced. i’ll find and have both when the time is right. when i’m ready.

some days, though, the uncertainty is a little bit harder to take in stride than others.

Link

“What motivates our investment in goals and planning for the future, much of the time, isn’t any sober recognition of the virtues of preparation and looking ahead. Rather, it’s something much more emotional: how deeply uncomfortable we are made by feelings of uncertainty. Faced with the anxiety of not knowing what the future holds, we invest ever more fiercely in our preferred vision of that future — not because it will help us achieve it, but because it helps rid us of feelings of uncertainty in the present.”
“Consider any significant decision you’ve ever taken that you subsequently came to regret: a relationship you entered despite being dimly aware that it wasn’t for you, or a job you accepted even though, looking back, it’s clear that it was mismatched to your interests or abilities. If it felt like a difficult decision at the time, then it’s likely that, prior to taking it, you felt the gut-knotting ache of uncertainty; afterwards, having made a decision, did those feelings subside? If so, this points to the troubling possibility that your primary motivation in taking the decision wasn’t any rational consideration of its rightness for you, but simply the urgent need to get rid of your feelings of uncertainty.”
“The effectualists include the cook who scours the fridge for leftover ingredients; the chemist who figured out that the insufficiently sticky glue he had developed could be used to create the Post-it note; or the unhappy lawyer who realises that her spare-time photography hobby, for which she already possesses the skills and the equipment, could be turned into a job. One foundation of effectuation is the “bird in hand” principle: “Start with your means. Don’t wait for the perfect opportunity. Start taking action, based on what you have readily available: what you are, what you know and who you know.” A second is the “principle of affordable loss”: Don’t be guided by thoughts of how wonderful the rewards might be if you were spectacularly successful at any given next step. Instead — and there are distinct echoes, here, of the Stoic focus on the worst-case scenario — ask how big the loss would be if you failed. So long as it would be tolerable, that’s all you need to know. Take that next step, and see what happens.”
“Uncertainty is where things happen. It is where the opportunities — for success, for happiness, for really living — are waiting.”
Stop Making Plans: How Goal-Setting Limits Rather Than Begets Our Happiness and Success

Video

Driving to class I just had this thought: I don’t have a single clue where my life is going. I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing three months from now, let alone a year or five. AND: it’s thrilling and totally liberating. To have ever thought otherwise was only to delude myself into a false sense of control. Fuck control. I choose life. Inherent heartbreak, disappointments, risks and all.

“Choices aren’t things that happen to you, they happen when you happen on things and choose them,
So happen, so happen and happen and happen and happen,
Make habits of happening happen because happiness happens in habits of happening,
So inhabit a habit of happening,
Habadahabadababada happening ing,
If there’s sliders to play with then bump them,
If you don’t know where the rails are, how are you going to jump them?
Medium-ing is walking in the middle of a dark room and not knowing where the walls are,
So put ‘em out put ‘em out put ‘em out until you find an edge,
If you want to get loud then…,
Break it and break it and play with the breakage until all the pieces are back in a package,
And brackage and brackage until all the packages and pieces in play,
Grrr, no medium-ing, find the edges of things.” – Zefrank