It’s been an emotional couple of days, with it all coming to a (hopefully) cathartic head last night.
And this morning, as always after a moment of intense emotional response, I feel calm, peaceful — steady. My breathing becomes even. My thoughts are unhurried and I’m able to weight and savor each one fully before advancing to the next.
It’s a feeling of wordless clarity. And in these moments I find the most peace, regardless of all the other burdens in my life.
I’m learning to let myself experience each moment and not to run. My emotions are there, whether I acknowledge them or not. I’m finally ready to feel them through.
And these moments of serenity are precious. I’m finished bulldozing over them because they don’t help me with my to-do list, which isn’t really true anyway. They help with sanity.
What do I need?
That’s such a broad & loaded question.
I’ve always had a sense of myself. This inner intuition has guided me even when the path has been murky or otherwise risky.
Let’s be honest — getting engaged at 19 and married at 20 was a risk. A big one. But I took it in full recognition of that risk and in full knowledge that both my needs & Jean-Guy’s would change with the years. I made sure our vows reflected that, and our ceremony music, too. Jean-Guy and I had countless conversations about being realistic & humble in our expectations for each other and our marriage.
I have always known my needs & dreams to be malleable and tried to prepare him as much as I could, all the while knowing that the man does not make much progress with hypotheticals.
And here we are — my needs are evolving. He is still and always will be a central one, but the landscape is shifting, & I’m struggling in explaining exactly how because I’m still trying to pinpoint it myself.
This journal is not quite turning out as I meant it to, but I’ve at least done enough writing by now to not really be surprised by that fact. There are personal reflections that I need to make and express in order to clear space for creation.
Today’s is to recognize that I have spent my life up to this point feeling obliged to always at least pretend I have my shit together. I’ve built my entire self image as being calm, cool and collected, and dependably so. In pursuit of this carefully crafted and fortified persona, I’ve always spurned emotional outbursts and anything else that might undermine that image.
I’ve spent the last five years actively working to not see/perceive more emotional people as weaker and in the last year have been working on understanding my own emotional responses, though in the last four months have made more progress than the last 23 years combined. I have Robert to thank for a lot of that.
With graduation bearing down on me and this emotional progress being made, I feel like an absolute mess. I’m an anxious wreck more than half the time.