Driving to class I just had this thought: I don’t have a single clue where my life is going. I don’t know where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing three months from now, let alone a year or five. AND: it’s thrilling and totally liberating. To have ever thought otherwise was only to delude myself into a false sense of control. Fuck control. I choose life. Inherent heartbreak, disappointments, risks and all.
“Choices aren’t things that happen to you, they happen when you happen on things and choose them,
So happen, so happen and happen and happen and happen,
Make habits of happening happen because happiness happens in habits of happening,
So inhabit a habit of happening,
Habadahabadababada happening ing,
If there’s sliders to play with then bump them,
If you don’t know where the rails are, how are you going to jump them?
Medium-ing is walking in the middle of a dark room and not knowing where the walls are,
So put ‘em out put ‘em out put ‘em out until you find an edge,
If you want to get loud then…,
Break it and break it and play with the breakage until all the pieces are back in a package,
And brackage and brackage until all the packages and pieces in play,
Grrr, no medium-ing, find the edges of things.” – Zefrank
I feel as though I should chronicle the transition of our marriage from closed to open. It’s certain to be a challenge and at times a struggle, but I think it also has great potential for rewards. I suffer no illusions that it will be easy or without pain. But I know that we are strong. And I know why I am with him. And I know why I need this.
I am with him not just because I love him. Not just because I love having sex with him. But because I love living with him. But because he is my best friend and closest confidante. But because I want his children. But because I know we will make an amazing team of parents and raise beautiful, smart, gifted children. But because I know he is who I want by my side always.
And the fact that he is able and willing to give me this gift is the greatest of all. The fact that he is able to allow me to continue to explore not just my sexuality, but who I am is a gift of immeasurable worth.
So yes, this was my idea. But it was not a new one.
This is a big week. This week, I move out. Without Jean-Guy.
Life is chaos. It’s beautiful, it’s painful, it’s joyful, it’s sometimes deeply uncomfortable. But it’s never perfect. And none of us have it “together”. Because there’s not really any such thing. We’re all just trying to do our best.
Since I first started confiding in choice adults around age 11 or 12, I’ve been praised for my insights and my “wisdom beyond my years”. There’s been this sense along with it that my ability to gain insight and pull so much meaning from not only my choices, but the choices of others, would allow me to bypass certain heartaches.
But one of the many (but by no means exhaustive!) things I’ve learned in the last few years especially is that the concept of “learning from another’s mistakes” is really a false one. You can’t. We all bring our own experiences to bear and everyone has to make their own mis-steps, take responsibility for them, and move forward.
And moreover, I’ve come to not really believe in the idea of “mistakes,” at least not on the scale of large life choices. You can surely make mistakes or minor errors in school or at work, and you can even make a mistake in how you express yourself to another person.
But when it comes to the big choices, the life-altering choices, I don’t believe in mistakes. We all make the best choices we can given our experience and the circumstances we face whenever we are posed with an important question that needs answering or problem that needs solving. We always do our best.