the last 24 hours has been the worst, most heart-wrenching, broken, rage-filled, bitter, upset, hurt day i’ve ever had. nothing comes close to the level of pure and utter brokenness and torn apart that today has reached, or the amount of tears, sobbing, desire to punch things, or yelling in impotent rage by myself in a locked car. though i realize that’s not immediately clear from my statement this morning. i’m posting that today was so terrible not to attract pity but instead to say that i drew strength today from that piece i posted earlier but wrote weeks before.
not because i am particularly wise or smart or insightful. but because that was a snapshot of time when i was breaking, but otherwise strong and resolved and clear in what needed to happen. i found calm and peace in that because it was *me*, and a me not that long ago. it’s encouraging to remember just how much is within me. and that even if today i am broken, it feels, beyond repair, that just around the bend (and who knows how long or far away that bend is), there will be a peaceful, calm, healing me.
i have everything i need to make it through this. not to bulldoze through and aim to get “better” as quickly as possible, but to work through this with respect for the pain and the process, and it is a good reminder for me, and i hope, for all of us, to remember to capitalize on those moments of clarity and strength and hope and optimism we feel. because you never know when a future you will need to remember what you’re capable of.
if i had written a post this morning, it would have been much different in tenor than what was written weeks ago. and far less helpful.
we all have everything we need for everything we face.
and we’re all always doing our best.
even when it feels like we’ve fucked up or broken our own hearts.