03 May 2012

It’s been an emotional couple of days, with it all coming to a (hopefully) cathartic head last night.

And this morning, as always after a moment of intense emotional response, I feel calm, peaceful — steady. My breathing becomes even. My thoughts are unhurried and I’m able to weight and savor each one fully before advancing to the next.

It’s a feeling of wordless clarity. And in these moments I find the most peace, regardless of all the other burdens in my life.

I’m learning to let myself experience each moment and not to run. My emotions are there, whether I acknowledge them or not. I’m finally ready to feel them through.

And these moments of serenity are precious. I’m finished bulldozing over them because they don’t help me with my to-do list, which isn’t really true anyway. They help with sanity.
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29 April 2012

This journal is not quite turning out as I meant it to, but I’ve at least done enough writing by now to not really be surprised by that fact. There are personal reflections that I need to make and express in order to clear space for creation.

Today’s is to recognize that I have spent my life up to this point feeling obliged to always at least pretend I have my shit together. I’ve built my entire self image as being calm, cool and collected, and dependably so. In pursuit of this carefully crafted and fortified persona, I’ve always spurned emotional outbursts and anything else that might undermine that image.

I’ve spent the last five years actively working to not see/perceive more emotional people as weaker and in the last year have been working on understanding my own emotional responses, though in the last four months have made more progress than the last 23 years combined. I have Robert to thank for a lot of that.

With graduation bearing down on me and this emotional progress being made, I feel like an absolute mess. I’m an anxious wreck more than half the time.
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everything i need

the last 24 hours has been the worst, most heart-wrenching, broken, rage-filled, bitter, upset, hurt day i’ve ever had. nothing comes close to the level of pure and utter brokenness and torn apart that today has reached, or the amount of tears, sobbing, desire to punch things, or yelling in impotent rage by myself in a locked car. though i realize that’s not immediately clear from my statement this morning. i’m posting that today was so terrible not to attract pity but instead to say that i drew strength today from that piece i posted earlier but wrote weeks before.

not because i am particularly wise or smart or insightful. but because that was a snapshot of time when i was breaking, but otherwise strong and resolved and clear in what needed to happen. i found calm and peace in that because it was *me*, and a me not that long ago. it’s encouraging to remember just how much is within me. and that even if today i am broken, it feels, beyond repair, that just around the bend (and who knows how long or far away that bend is), there will be a peaceful, calm, healing me.

i have everything i need to make it through this. not to bulldoze through and aim to get “better” as quickly as possible, but to work through this with respect for the pain and the process, and it is a good reminder for me, and i hope, for all of us, to remember to capitalize on those moments of clarity and strength and hope and optimism we feel. because you never know when a future you will need to remember what you’re capable of.

if i had written a post this morning, it would have been much different in tenor than what was written weeks ago. and far less helpful.

we all have everything we need for everything we face.

and we’re all always doing our best.

even when it feels like we’ve fucked up or broken our own hearts.