What do I need?
That’s such a broad & loaded question.
I’ve always had a sense of myself. This inner intuition has guided me even when the path has been murky or otherwise risky.
Let’s be honest — getting engaged at 19 and married at 20 was a risk. A big one. But I took it in full recognition of that risk and in full knowledge that both my needs & Jean-Guy’s would change with the years. I made sure our vows reflected that, and our ceremony music, too. Jean-Guy and I had countless conversations about being realistic & humble in our expectations for each other and our marriage.
I have always known my needs & dreams to be malleable and tried to prepare him as much as I could, all the while knowing that the man does not make much progress with hypotheticals.
And here we are — my needs are evolving. He is still and always will be a central one, but the landscape is shifting, & I’m struggling in explaining exactly how because I’m still trying to pinpoint it myself.
There are things I should be doing right now. Chief among them is writing my thesis, but I am overwhelmed with emotion and so instead have turned to the creative world.
I’ve picked up the letters Steinbeck wrote to his publisher while writing East of Eden. His aim in the letters is similar to mine here—to document the anxieties & joys of writing.
There’s something soothing in identifying so much with one of your literary icons in the process of writing
I’m afraid and anxious. Constantly.
Mostly I’m afraid of myself. Berberova’s Cape of Storms resonates so much with me because I feel in myself so much of all three sisters and don’t know how to solder them together— and I’m afraid of each of them separately.
i’m just at this point in my life where i’m kind of done trying to guess and anticipate what other people need. i’m done enabling the inability to express yourself, and i’m also done with the fact that spending so much time worrying about meeting someone else’s unspoken needs limits the time i have to figure out and articulate my own. i’m just pretty over the games and the bullshit. and pretty into learning and accepting responsibility for my own emotional experience and finding that fuzzy, super difficult line between myself and others, and no longer giving all that power to other people to define for me.
clearly, this has involved and will continue to involve, losing some people from my life entirely, and distancing myself from others. but i feel like it’s better to find your own tribe of people with similar values and life philosophies than to continually spin your wheels in frustration over the things you can’t and shouldn’t try to change about others.