She was born an ocean, all calm philosophy and turbulent contention. He was born a dormant volcano, tall, majestic and strong, with fire stewing in his core, never released and never changing. Tectonic plates shifted, time wore and brought them together, and her waves lapped against his secure exterior, attempting to wear down the battlements and coax the core.
This is how mythology is born, isn’t it? Finding in our own stories of triumph and loss, of heartsick sorrow and joy, connections to the terrifyingly elating splendor of the natural world around us. Everyone has metaphors. They may change their whole lives through, or they may be the same with only subtle changes over the course of their lives.
What do I need?
That’s such a broad & loaded question.
I’ve always had a sense of myself. This inner intuition has guided me even when the path has been murky or otherwise risky.
Let’s be honest — getting engaged at 19 and married at 20 was a risk. A big one. But I took it in full recognition of that risk and in full knowledge that both my needs & Jean-Guy’s would change with the years. I made sure our vows reflected that, and our ceremony music, too. Jean-Guy and I had countless conversations about being realistic & humble in our expectations for each other and our marriage.
I have always known my needs & dreams to be malleable and tried to prepare him as much as I could, all the while knowing that the man does not make much progress with hypotheticals.
And here we are — my needs are evolving. He is still and always will be a central one, but the landscape is shifting, & I’m struggling in explaining exactly how because I’m still trying to pinpoint it myself.
some mornings are hard. you’d think i’d have the pattern memorized by now. sudden cranky day, oh that was yesterday. almost always followed by sad day, that’s today. although, today’s sad day isn’t sad about jean-guy. it’s sad and wondering when i’ll get to make my own family. jean-guy wasn’t the right family. i know that down deep to my core, so today i’m not sad that i don’t have him. i also know that right now i don’t even really need or want a partner, let alone a child. but i know i do sometime in the future and some days the fear and the worry gets under your skin, even when i know it’s misplaced. i’ll find and have both when the time is right. when i’m ready.
some days, though, the uncertainty is a little bit harder to take in stride than others.