25 April 2012

This is a project I’ve been mulling over for weeks, and have been putting off until post-graduation. Well, I say fuck it. My brain’s been running wild with ideas, and I’m beginning to remember what it feels like to have so much creative energy that I can’t do anything without relieving it first.

It’s going to be messy. I haven’t written seriously in ages. Especially creatively. Thoughtful essays are by far my preferred style and, while there will certainly be a fair amount of those here, it’s time to PLAY.

I remember in elementary and middle school when I would write for the sheer thrill of bringing my ideas to life, delighting over interesting turns of phrase. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with literature, and learned to be afraid.

As a child, anything is possible. Then you grow up & get acquainted with real talent, usually when you’re most insecure.

I stopped writing with the conviction I could never possibly be as good as the greats, so why try?

Well, 15 year old me, I call bullshit on your ass.

Even so, these last 9 years haven’t been for nothing. I’ve read wonderfully inspiring prose. Prose that leaves my fingers itching for a pen.

I had to learn humility and appreciation for the greats, and I’m glad I did.

But now it’s time to play — and acknowledge that unlike before it won’t be fearless. But that’s okay — fear can be defeated.

I also let go of the worry of audience. There is a small circle of people I might (read: probably will) allow to read this, but this exercise in experimentation is mostly my own. Should anything further come of it, I’ll find a penname.

I don’t even know if authors still use those, but one of my biggest hindrances lately has been a feeling of self-censorship of content, not wanting friends & family to read too much into my works, and not wanting to worry about them uncovering something about me & my life I would rather remained buried.

But I also don’t want to have forbidden topics. I need to be free in my experiments.

And what are those experiments?
* Poetry
* Short Stories
* Vignettes

I am interested in playing with both form & content so both work together to convey an idea or theme.

I will write in pen & may return to and rewrite pieces @ any point. This is to preserve the evolution & process.

I will make notes on parts I like & don’t like & why, as well as what I was trying to achieve.

Finally, I will discuss fears, anxieties & joys surrounding the process and experimentation as I go.

It’s time to let go of the fear.
It’s time to be what I’ve always wanted.
Warts and all.

On our unintentional intentions

Ironically, intentions have always been unintentionally important to me.

I’ve spent my life trying my best to have clear reasons for the decisions that I make. It’s always been important to me that I don’t just do things without a reason or a rationale. What I’ve spent the last year of my life becoming more aware of is how, while rational, logical reasons are important, it’s also imperative to be aware of the deep, underlying emotional reasons driving our choices. Try as we (or at least I) might, we are not purely rational creatures. We do not do things, no matter how much we may try to convince ourselves otherwise, for purely logical reasons.

We are always trying to get our needs met. And we unconsciously find ways which we think will accomplish that. A great many of us, myself included up until this point, cast out and make decisions which we have rationalized as being objectively good for us, without taking the time to step back from ourselves and analyze and fully understand the why of it, or even the exact need that we’re trying to address. It leads to haphazard communication. If we don’t understand ourselves, we cannot expect others to understand us, either.

Continue reading