today was unexpectedly difficult. i struggled all day, really, after that email from him increasingly annoyed. not mad, not hurt, not upset. just really annoyed. and finally, i realized that i was annoyed that i was annoyed and that it was a spiral that was just repeating itself downward.
and then i started to vent to a friend about it some. and she said “it triggered something for you today”. i mean, obvious, right? but something about the word trigger triggered me to remember to figure out what it was in the first place.
i’m still not entirely sure i have it figured out exactly. i know that it has to do with frustration with old, repeating patterns. i know that i feel like he was trying to drag me into the murk with him and that upset me. and it upset me that he succeeded, even if my response to him directly was measured and aloof.
i’m still trying to figure out what that pattern is so i can express it and, having expressed it, avoid it in the future (with him and with others) or at least better mitigate it. and really, i think it has to do with the sense that i increasingly had over the course of our relationship and marriage where jean-guy would get emotionally triggered and come to me to solve it for him. and we would figure it out. but he would almost never correct his patterns, once acknowledged, let alone figure out how to identify things for himself. it was my job to pull the feelings and the reasons and the triggers out of him, piece by piece.