It’s been an emotional couple of days, with it all coming to a (hopefully) cathartic head last night.
And this morning, as always after a moment of intense emotional response, I feel calm, peaceful — steady. My breathing becomes even. My thoughts are unhurried and I’m able to weight and savor each one fully before advancing to the next.
It’s a feeling of wordless clarity. And in these moments I find the most peace, regardless of all the other burdens in my life.
I’m learning to let myself experience each moment and not to run. My emotions are there, whether I acknowledge them or not. I’m finally ready to feel them through.
And these moments of serenity are precious. I’m finished bulldozing over them because they don’t help me with my to-do list, which isn’t really true anyway. They help with sanity.
She was born an ocean, all calm philosophy and turbulent contention. He was born a dormant volcano, tall, majestic and strong, with fire stewing in his core, never released and never changing. Tectonic plates shifted, time wore and brought them together, and her waves lapped against his secure exterior, attempting to wear down the battlements and coax the core.
This is how mythology is born, isn’t it? Finding in our own stories of triumph and loss, of heartsick sorrow and joy, connections to the terrifyingly elating splendor of the natural world around us. Everyone has metaphors. They may change their whole lives through, or they may be the same with only subtle changes over the course of their lives.
“A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well – or ill?” – Steinbeck
We are the choices we make. The biggest choice is whether or not we choose to believe in the importance of our own choices, or if we rely instead on the orders of others or on some conception of fate, in either case, denying our responsibility for our own lives and shunting it off either on others or on the world around us.
I hope my choices add up to having done good well, once measured, weighed and balanced. That’s not to say all my choices have been or will be, but that I hope, and choose, to do my best to ensure most of them are.