It’s been an emotional couple of days, with it all coming to a (hopefully) cathartic head last night.
And this morning, as always after a moment of intense emotional response, I feel calm, peaceful — steady. My breathing becomes even. My thoughts are unhurried and I’m able to weight and savor each one fully before advancing to the next.
It’s a feeling of wordless clarity. And in these moments I find the most peace, regardless of all the other burdens in my life.
I’m learning to let myself experience each moment and not to run. My emotions are there, whether I acknowledge them or not. I’m finally ready to feel them through.
And these moments of serenity are precious. I’m finished bulldozing over them because they don’t help me with my to-do list, which isn’t really true anyway. They help with sanity.
“And for your entire life you will be doing, on some level, the opposite of not only what you are doing but of what you think you are. That is just going to go on. And what you need to do is to honor that. To understand it. To unearth it. To listen to this other voice. You have, which is a rare thing, the ability and the responsibility to listen to the dissent in yourself. To at least give it the floor. Because it is the key, not only to consciousness, but to real growth. To accept duality is to earn identity, and identity is something that you are constantly earning. It is not just “who you are,” it is a process that you must be active in. And it’s not parroting your parents or even the thoughts of your learned teachers, it is, now more than ever, about understanding yourself so you can become yourself.”
— Joss Whedon
I’m a big fan of Mad Men. The show is certainly not for everyone. It’s not very plot driven, there’s not a lot, seemingly, that happens. If you want to enjoy the show and get a lot out of it, you have to watch closely and pay a lot of attention to the characters and their own subtexts. This show is pretty much entirely character and psychology driven, which is why I find it most fascinating. A lot of the buzz around the internet as the series draws near to its close is how it seems to be, at its heart, a show about whether or not people can really change.
I hadn’t really thought about that specifically until the beginning of this seventh season, and at first it made me uncomfortable. Of course people can change! Of course people can grow!
But as the first part of season unfolded and I thought about it more in the context of the show and my own life, I understand more that change and growth are not necessarily the same thing.