06 May 2012

I’ve always loved the ocean. The steady, rhythmic sound of waves breaking and washing faithfully against the shore. I feel connected to the sea in a way beyond the grasp of words or explanation. This is probably why I fear separation from it.
I often feel like if I were ever truly separated or barred from the salty swell of the waves that I would wither away, as if cut off from the very source of my life.
Such feelings I know are passe, unenlightened, not modern.
But knowing that doesn’t change the feeling.
And I wonder sometimes if we maybe all truly do have these natural connections and are all just trying to pretend we’re more evolved than we are.
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07 May 2012

What do I need?

That’s such a broad & loaded question.

I’ve always had a sense of myself. This inner intuition has guided me even when the path has been murky or otherwise risky.

Let’s be honest — getting engaged at 19 and married at 20 was a risk. A big one. But I took it in full recognition of that risk and in full knowledge that both my needs & Jean-Guy’s would change with the years. I made sure our vows reflected that, and our ceremony music, too. Jean-Guy and I had countless conversations about being realistic & humble in our expectations for each other and our marriage.

I have always known my needs & dreams to be malleable and tried to prepare him as much as I could, all the while knowing that the man does not make much progress with hypotheticals.

And here we are — my needs are evolving. He is still and always will be a central one, but the landscape is shifting, & I’m struggling in explaining exactly how because I’m still trying to pinpoint it myself.
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28 April 2012

There are things I should be doing right now. Chief among them is writing my thesis, but I am overwhelmed with emotion and so instead have turned to the creative world.

I’ve picked up the letters Steinbeck wrote to his publisher while writing East of Eden. His aim in the letters is similar to mine here—to document the anxieties & joys of writing.

There’s something soothing in identifying so much with one of your literary icons in the process of writing

I’m afraid and anxious. Constantly.

Mostly I’m afraid of myself. Berberova’s Cape of Storms resonates so much with me because I feel in myself so much of all three sisters and don’t know how to solder them together— and I’m afraid of each of them separately.
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