today’s the day

Today’s the day — the day that five years ago I publicly chose Jean-Guy. This day has snuck up on me and the week that’s preceded it has been hard in some very unexpected ways, and easier than I expected, too. In the collapse of my marriage, there is so much I have learned about what it means to be married that I wouldn’t have otherwise, not to mention what I’ve learned about myself and life in general.

I’m still sorting out the life lessons I’ll ultimately pull from the last 8 years. Maybe I’ll have something presentable or otherwise sensible by the time the divorce goes through at the end of the month, but for now, this set of lyrics speaks volumes:

You see I wanted to love you baby
But neither you nor I’d been loved before
I thought I could change the world if I just held you high enough
The truth is I couldn’t hold you up at all

I couldn’t hold you up
I couldn’t hold you up
And I sure ain’t gonna hold you down

One thing I have been able to accomplish this week is to put together a playlist that I feel encapsulates our relationship. It’s super weird to listen to. It’s weird to listen to songs that so early in our relationship were so woven into our experiences together, and to be able to fully feel myself enmeshed in the fabric of who we were and the circumstances that surrounded us, and to also feel simultaneous sorrow and relief. Truly bizarre. It’s interesting, too, to listen to the songs I played over and over again in anguish early this spring and to be able to tap those raw feelings of hurt and abandonment and feel the contrast between then and now and the strength I’ve found within myself that’s truly my own.

Life’s a journey. And the only closure you ever get is what you make for yourself: it’s up to you to make the things that happen to you, good and bad, mean something worthwhile. No one else can do that for you.

“Cause nothing in this life is good or bad
It’s we who dress it up as happy or sad
And no one in this life is sinner or saint
It’s just energy running up the stream
Or down the drain
And nothing in this life is a sheer must
Yet in living and loving indeed we trust
indeed we trust

Hey brother stranger you know we shall sail
Even if even if only to fail
’cause winning and losing keep journey amusing
Down down down
Your destiny trail”
— We Shall Sail; Gogol Bordello

Your birthday

Tomorrow is your birthday. This day last year we celebrated your twenty fifth. We ate at our favorite breakfast place (ALRIGHT) with some of our friends, and then returned home to prepare to have people over to eat and drink and celebrate you.

This week of the year will always be yours. Forever. I can’t imagine even fifty years from now hitting June 3rd and not pausing for at least a few minutes to think of you and remember us. There’s been a lot that’s been shitty in the last four months, a lot that’s been hard in the past eight, and a lot that’s been difficult in the last two years.

I’ve been so mad at you for so many things. None of it really matters. I’ve been mad at myself. We’re still tied together in some capacity even for as much as both of us try to break those ties; they’re going to take time to dissipate. I see how you’re acting now. And I know it’s hurt. And I know it’s fear. And I know it’s confusion and disorientation. And yet, the more you sink into those things, somehow, the angrier I get with myself, that I could have ever had faith in you to be anything other than who you are now.

But that’s not fair, or true or right.

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