today’s the day

Today’s the day — the day that five years ago I publicly chose Jean-Guy. This day has snuck up on me and the week that’s preceded it has been hard in some very unexpected ways, and easier than I expected, too. In the collapse of my marriage, there is so much I have learned about what it means to be married that I wouldn’t have otherwise, not to mention what I’ve learned about myself and life in general.

I’m still sorting out the life lessons I’ll ultimately pull from the last 8 years. Maybe I’ll have something presentable or otherwise sensible by the time the divorce goes through at the end of the month, but for now, this set of lyrics speaks volumes:

You see I wanted to love you baby
But neither you nor I’d been loved before
I thought I could change the world if I just held you high enough
The truth is I couldn’t hold you up at all

I couldn’t hold you up
I couldn’t hold you up
And I sure ain’t gonna hold you down

One thing I have been able to accomplish this week is to put together a playlist that I feel encapsulates our relationship. It’s super weird to listen to. It’s weird to listen to songs that so early in our relationship were so woven into our experiences together, and to be able to fully feel myself enmeshed in the fabric of who we were and the circumstances that surrounded us, and to also feel simultaneous sorrow and relief. Truly bizarre. It’s interesting, too, to listen to the songs I played over and over again in anguish early this spring and to be able to tap those raw feelings of hurt and abandonment and feel the contrast between then and now and the strength I’ve found within myself that’s truly my own.

Life’s a journey. And the only closure you ever get is what you make for yourself: it’s up to you to make the things that happen to you, good and bad, mean something worthwhile. No one else can do that for you.

“Cause nothing in this life is good or bad
It’s we who dress it up as happy or sad
And no one in this life is sinner or saint
It’s just energy running up the stream
Or down the drain
And nothing in this life is a sheer must
Yet in living and loving indeed we trust
indeed we trust

Hey brother stranger you know we shall sail
Even if even if only to fail
’cause winning and losing keep journey amusing
Down down down
Your destiny trail”
— We Shall Sail; Gogol Bordello

Aside

“A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of life, will have left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well – or ill?” – Steinbeck

We are the choices we make. The biggest choice is whether or not we choose to believe in the importance of our own choices, or if we rely instead on the orders of others or on some conception of fate, in either case, denying our responsibility for our own lives and shunting it off either on others or on the world around us.

I hope my choices add up to having done good well, once measured, weighed and balanced. That’s not to say all my choices have been or will be, but that I hope, and choose, to do my best to ensure most of them are.

Aside

some mornings are hard. you’d think i’d have the pattern memorized by now. sudden cranky day, oh that was yesterday. almost always followed by sad day, that’s today. although, today’s sad day isn’t sad about jean-guy. it’s sad and wondering when i’ll get to make my own family. jean-guy¬†wasn’t the right family. i know that down deep to my core, so today i’m not sad that i don’t have him. i also know that right now i don’t even really need or want a partner, let alone a child. but i know i do sometime in the future and some days the fear and the worry gets under your skin, even when i know it’s misplaced. i’ll find and have both when the time is right. when i’m ready.

some days, though, the uncertainty is a little bit harder to take in stride than others.