25 April 2012

Here I stand
At the edge of an abyss
Nothing but stars above
With certain uncertainty below

At borders I live —
Anxious and afraid
of moments missed
and of melodies mangled

Over the brink I peer —
Childhood behind me
Ambiguous ‘adulthood’ ahead
Familiar guideposts fallen away

Nowhere to go but down
Eyes open, or eyes closed —
The only decision that’s mine
Time to leave the blanket behind.

28 April 2012

Never when you want to be
Always when you don’t

So much to fix
To admit
To beg forgiveness for

With your guilt
Your shame
Your fear

That maybe this time
You’ve been found
For the wretch you’ve always feared inside

Not good enough
Or fast enough
Too scared
Too weak

Hold on too tight
Suffocate or thoughtlessly

No number of words
No number of apologies
No number of promises
Will undo my mistake

Only the resolve
To change
To strengthen
That which is weakest in me

But fear grips me—
fear that I’ll fail
fear that everyone I love
will see me as the fraud
I so frequently worry I am.

12 May 2012

Tired of being a mountain
Strong and steady.
Rooted to one spot
Always waiting to be wanted.
Waiting to be needed.
Waiting to be understood.
Waiting to be valued.
Always waiting.

Dreams of uprooting.
Of moving.
Of having to be chased.
Countered by fears
Of not being sought
And of being lost.

Frozen in paralysis
Fearing abandonment
Feeling it’s time for others to
Fight for me.

My fight is gone.
Finally understanding
That I deserve to be wanted
To not always be the one
Doing the chasing
And then the waiting.