25 April 2012

Here I stand
At the edge of an abyss
Nothing but stars above
With certain uncertainty below

At borders I live —
Anxious and afraid
of moments missed
and of melodies mangled

Over the brink I peer —
Childhood behind me
Ambiguous ‘adulthood’ ahead
Familiar guideposts fallen away

Nowhere to go but down
Eyes open, or eyes closed —
The only decision that’s mine
Time to leave the blanket behind.

03 May 2012

It’s been an emotional couple of days, with it all coming to a (hopefully) cathartic head last night.

And this morning, as always after a moment of intense emotional response, I feel calm, peaceful — steady. My breathing becomes even. My thoughts are unhurried and I’m able to weight and savor each one fully before advancing to the next.

It’s a feeling of wordless clarity. And in these moments I find the most peace, regardless of all the other burdens in my life.

I’m learning to let myself experience each moment and not to run. My emotions are there, whether I acknowledge them or not. I’m finally ready to feel them through.

And these moments of serenity are precious. I’m finished bulldozing over them because they don’t help me with my to-do list, which isn’t really true anyway. They help with sanity.
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28 April 2012

Never when you want to be
Always when you don’t

So much to fix
To admit
To beg forgiveness for

With your guilt
Your shame
Your fear

That maybe this time
You’ve been found
For the wretch you’ve always feared inside

Not good enough
Or fast enough
Too scared
Too weak

Hold on too tight
Suffocate or thoughtlessly

No number of words
No number of apologies
No number of promises
Will undo my mistake

Only the resolve
To change
To strengthen
That which is weakest in me

But fear grips me—
fear that I’ll fail
fear that everyone I love
will see me as the fraud
I so frequently worry I am.