03 May 2012

It’s been an emotional couple of days, with it all coming to a (hopefully) cathartic head last night.

And this morning, as always after a moment of intense emotional response, I feel calm, peaceful — steady. My breathing becomes even. My thoughts are unhurried and I’m able to weight and savor each one fully before advancing to the next.

It’s a feeling of wordless clarity. And in these moments I find the most peace, regardless of all the other burdens in my life.

I’m learning to let myself experience each moment and not to run. My emotions are there, whether I acknowledge them or not. I’m finally ready to feel them through.

And these moments of serenity are precious. I’m finished bulldozing over them because they don’t help me with my to-do list, which isn’t really true anyway. They help with sanity.

I remember in middle school and high school when I would go to church youth events and retreats and I would chase the broken. The altar call would invariably come and I would beat myself to a pulp so I could cry and be broken.

The means were deeply unhealthy, but I know now what I was chasing wasn’t the broken, but what came next; when all the baggage and building negativity had been cleared and all I was left with was me, raw.

This moment is fleeting. And that’s okay. It’s also rare, and that is necessary. Since I left the church, I also abandoned pursuing being broken for broken’s sake. But until recently, I had overcompensated. Instead of chasing, I’ve been fleeing. Now is the time to just ride things out as they come.

Because fleeing has done nothing but cause build up of unresolved bitterness, hurt, stress, anxiety and fear. And I’m paying for that now by breaking piece by piece on a regular basis.

But it’s necessary. And it’s good. There’s a lot of baggage to clear out to make room for who I will be. And I am resolved to appreciate, if not immediately enjoy, the ride.

I believe that the right people come into your life precisely when you need them most. Robert has been that for me. He has reawakened me. Reminded me of parts of myself I’ve allowed to go dormant. He has taught me and is still teaching me to be present in a moment and an emotion — not to run. He is teaching me that it is possible and indeed necessary to stand up and fight for my needs and that that doesn’t make me a bad or selfish person.

With Robert, I feel myself simultaneously becoming more vulnerable and yet still stronger.

I am learning there is strength in admitting weakness, and that fear and anxiety are only weakness if you let them be. The only way to overcome them is to name them. They gain power in avoidance and they weaken you in your denial.

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